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Friday, April 22nd, 2005
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1:51 pm - Gathering of the Vibes 2005!
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So far Medeski, Martin and Wood, John Brown's Body, and Dark Star Orchestra!!!!
August 12, 13, and 14 at the same place as last year: Indian Lookout Something-or-other, Mariaville, NY
$85 now, $95 later. That is such a good price for three days of awesome bands!!!
I just got really excited, and EVERYONE should go.
Haha look at the cute smiley face for "excited".. I'm so lame.
Love.
Carolyn
current mood:  excited
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| Thursday, April 21st, 2005
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5:09 pm
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Ode to the Cigarette
or The Love-Hate Relationship
Cigarette, cigarette
first puff of the day
and I'm calm, serene,
and on my way
You're good all the time
but enjoyed the best
with beer, or food,
and great after sex
Cigarette, cigarette,
outstanding with pot
I'll smoke you in the cold
I'll smoke you when it's hot
Cigarette, cigarette
addicted from the start
though you're killing me slowly
you have my lungs, my brain
my heart.
current mood: craving a cigarette!!
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| Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
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4:18 pm - And where are your friends? Please help me through these years ahead..
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Haha it's almost 4:20 on 4/20 in China, says Derek. I will be smoking a bowl soon, but not exactly at 4:20. It's the thought that counts.
Not going to kickboxing this afternoon.. it's just too fucking nice out, and I really don't care that much. I'll probably just go for a walk after dinner. I do want to lose a little (TINY little bit, no yelling at me, I know I'm not fat) weight before I have to start wearing summer clothes.. but yeah, I don't really care that much. I'd rather go smoke a bowl and read the newspaper in the sun =D
Not much has been going on lately, just partying at the house. Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night.. that's all I did this weekend. Friday night Derek and I did Jager shots and blacked out.. fun times. I love that we have the same tolerance for everything and have identical nights. Like the Xanax, vodka, and kegstands night--if I could remember it, I'm sure I'd say it's the drunkest I've ever been. Ugh, no more of that for me. Anyway.. drinking beers, playing beirut, getting trashed. I think we need to switch it up a little, to me the "drinking beers at the house" gets pretty boring after a while.
Over the summer we need to get to a beach, or to western mass, or some different places where there would be different people and different good times. That's my plan for summer at least. Also drunken clubbing with Sarah =D
Getting good grades this semester would be the PERFECT set up for summer. I'm crossing my fingers for philosophy; food science is a definite B; microeconomics is also most likely a B as long as I do well on the final (gonna be tough though). So.. I'm optimistic. Good grades will make me happy, make my parents happy, and get my summer off to a good start that way.
So will getting a job. I need to get on that, calling places and shit. Gonna do that now actually.
Love.
Carolyn
current mood:  calm
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| Friday, April 15th, 2005
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1:45 pm
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Lost count at 10 beers last night, according to the tally on my hand. Apparently passed out sitting up in a chair; don't remember anything past the 10th beer except getting dropped off at the dorms, vaguely. It's cool, I was celebrating various good news I got this week.
I am starting to get a sense of impending and unavoidable change--a definite sense of urgency about my time at this wonderful fucking school. Everything will be different next year, especially for me. We have one month of school left let's just forget whatever drama there was this year and just enjoy each other's company. I love you guys let's make it a crazy one. =D
Love.
Carolyn
current mood:  cheerful
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| Thursday, April 14th, 2005
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3:37 pm
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If anyone has a copy of The Ode to the Cigarette.. give it to me! I am a dumbass and lost it almost as soon as I wrote it.
Out of microeconomics, food science, and philosophy, the class I'm doing the worst in is philosophy. Definitely not what I would have thought. The entire grade is based on attendance, the midterm, and the final. I already fucked myself on attendance though I'm gonna try to go to every class til the end of the year to redeem myself and get effort points, or something. The midterm I thought I did well on but I got a 48.. not sure how he graded that. Then today I completely didn't see a part of the quiz we took that was worth 40 points. I really only have the final to save myself, and right now I'm feeling like I'm gonna have to get like a 200 (impossible) to get a C in the class. Fuck. And it's fucking philosophy. It's not hard, so I don't know why I'm doing so bad. Argh.
Everything has been average lately. Average events (parties at the house, Boston on weekends, etc.) Average mood, leaning towards the sad side for no fucking reason, like always. Especially considering the weather has been great, school is almost over, and I just got a bunch of good news from my parents. They're giving me my car back and paying for insurance for the summer; they're letting me get an apartment in Boston if it can be paid for by a general loan; and they're giving me money for summer clothes and shit. Shouldn't I be in a great mood?
I am very excited about summer though. My only fear is that I wont have enough money to do all the shit I want to do.. but it's looking like it's gonna be a good one.
Love.
Carolyn
current mood:  complacent
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| Monday, April 11th, 2005
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12:17 am
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Got the Bomb Squad CD in the mail today and it reminded me that it's almost FESTIVAL SEASON!
What're everyone's plans for this summer?! No Bonnaroo for me, but definitely Vibes again.. gotta search for others. Find me festivals and I will go! (as long as they are not more than like, a 16 hour drive) :)
This means I need a job REALLY bad. I quit iParty and have $500 to live off til my first summer-job paycheck. This is not nearly enough money; last year I couldn't get a job until July. Fuck. So uh, yeah, someone find me a job too.
And Kyle give me my tent back dammit!
Love
Carolyn
current mood:  tired
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| Monday, March 28th, 2005
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12:27 am
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Where do we go, what do we say, what do we do
No where to turn, no where to run and it's nothing new..
Thursday night was hilarious. Sarah was home for Easter weekend so she came up to Framingham and she, Amanda, Kathleen and I attempted to go to Avalon. I drank some beers before we left so I was buzzed (empty stomach, yeah) and we mixed the Bacardi with orange soda, mm delicious! Well, Sarah and I did at least; Amanda and Kathleen used it as a chaser and just took swigs out of the bottles.. crazy girls. Anyway we didn't get to park until it was past midnite and they wanted 20 bucks to get in to the club.. these guys were offering to buy us drinks if we could give them money to get inside, and Amanda and Kathleen fell for it even when it didn't make any sense. If you can buy us drinks, you have money.. go to the god damn ATM. Basically they were gonna get in and get lost.. so yeah we just walked away. I hope I don't look that stupid--we were probably just obviously drunk.
We said fuck 20 bucks and drove to Mike's to chill with him and Derek and friends who were also completely shitty, off vodka and lemonade. No one came close to as drunk as Kathleen though.. I didn't really notice til we got inside for a while but she was fuckin falling everywhere, hitting her head on shit; she fell and crawled/dragged herself into the bathroom. Before that she passed out in Mike's lap--after that she passed out in Del's bed. Del was just like "Hey uhh.. can you get your friend outta my bed?" and of course it took us a while. All in all it was fucking hilarious.
Sarah and I chilled in the other room smoking and talking. Amanda was mostly on the floor in the living room giggling. I drove back, it took a while since I drove at or under the speed limit the whole time. I ended up dropping the three of them off and parking the car and walking back, because they were passed out in the back seat and there was no way they were walking. Once I got inside Amanda proceeded to look for her cell phone in my room for about a half hour.. she left and came back twice. I was just like "Dude it's STILL not in here!" She was sooo pissed thinking she lost it. Derek came by and distracted her outta my room and I locked the door and got some fucking sleep around 5am =) Woke up in time for my philosophy midterm at 11.30, not too bad. Chilled in Boston Friday night, worked Saturday night and then went to Derek's since he was home. Today we went to his family Easter gathering or whatever you wanna call it.. damn his family is LOUD =P It was fun though they are chill people.
I quit economics. Bedtime.
current mood: tired
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| Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
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1:33 pm
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Well I slept through my only two classes today, which were 11:30 - 1:30, and I did it on purpose. I woke up at 11:15 and just thought I might as well not go to class because I would sleep through it anyway. I didn't fall asleep til 3:30ish last night and didn't stay asleep for more than 2 1/2 hours at a time. I guess I would blame sleeping late on Tuesday, but this happens all the time, even when I get no sleep the previous night. It's fucking frustrating, and I feel completely useless when I miss classes like this, so it's depressing too. And I don't know how to fix it, because there doesn't seem to be any real reason for it. Maintenance is here to fix my lock.. which is cool, but I wish it wasn't taking so long. Amanda wants to smoke. I just want to do something. My parents told me I should exercise and maybe I'd be able to sleep.. I think I should take pills and then I'd be able to sleep. I would exercise but I can't fucking stand the gym.. the atmosphere of it sucks. Can't even run on a treadmill without having to look at all the guys lifting weights and checking themselves out in the mirrors. Exercise just isn't enjoyable to me. Maybe I'll just walk around campus or something.
I've been trying really hard not to miss classes. I hope I don't end up fucking myself over this spring.
current mood:  annoyed
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| Monday, March 21st, 2005
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2:38 pm - Gimme some dro purple haze and some chocolate Gimme a dutch and a light I'll spark shit..
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The rest of vacation was awesome, it just made me really want it to be summer. Except summer without having to work.. that would rock =) I have to start looking for a job soon so that hopefully I'll be able to not work in retail this summer. Fuck retail it's so fucking boring. If I get really lucky, I wont have to work weekends either--that would be sweet.
St. Paddy's Day we celebrated at Steveo's (for the last time, since his bitch neighbors keep complaining). Mostly everyone was there, even the Cape represented =P I got there around 9.30 after I got out of work, and that's pretty late. They were on the end of the 2nd beer ball out of three and I never got to play beirut. Smoked a lot though, drank a few beers and was nicely fucked up, a good balance. I might be done with getting obliterated drunk.. it doesn't usually lead to good things, and I like remembering my nights. Blackout nights are fun sometimes though.. so I guess I'll just go for moderation =D Ian drove Chris' car home and popped two of his tires at the Mcdonald's drive thru and then tried to deny it.. haha. So we drove back to Chris' anyway, smoked a bowl and went to bed in his basement.
Got up and drove Graham's car to go get food. It has character. It's a really old Dodge Shadow that's a weird dark color and is really loud. Of course he has a system that cost more than the car itself and can fucking permanently damage your ears. Especially when Chris encourages him to put in a drum and bass CD to see how loud it can go.. christ. Gotta love those guys though =)
Spent the rest of the vacation in Boston and came back to school last night. I still can't fucking sleep. I went to bed at 2, fell asleep around 3, woke up at 4, 4.30, 8, and 9. Then I could barely stay awake in my first class, and slept completely through my second one (microeconomics which is hard shit that I need to know). It's so fucking frustrating, I just want to be able to sleep.
Gonna go clean and go to the gym. Yes, I said the gym.
Love.
Carolyn.
current mood: tired
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| Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
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2:50 am
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Vacations are pretty great. A week is the perfect amount of time.. like a very extended weekend, over before you get really sick of being home. Friday Derek drove Amanda and I home, we had dinner with my family and then went into Boston for a few hours.. got back pretty early and put on Snatch which I'd never seen before and didn't see this time either because I fell asleep right after it started. Slept for like 13 hours (sleep I completely didn't need) and then came back to my house for dinner.. snowing again, not that that's weird for March but it seems like it's snowed A LOT this winter, and it doesn't melt.. the first day that it's 60 I'm wearing summer clothes! It was Kristin's last night at home before going back to school in PA so I had dinner with the family and played cards with them for a while. Was planning to go out for the night with Tarryn and chill at Joe's apartment drinking but ended up goin to the Cape with Derek and getting drunk with Ian and Ron.. shotgunned my first beer, it's not that hard and a good way to drink beer really fast.. just expanding my options for methods of drinking alcohol =) Also tried a shot of amaretto in a beer, supposedly it tastes like Dr. Pepper (which I don't like anyway), I didn't think so but I don't think I pounded it fast enough.. and it wasn't good to be drinking slowly.
Woke up around noon on Sunday, woke Ian and Derek up and went to get some food. Drove around most of the day with Ross and Sean and chilled at Ian's house til leaving around 4..
Derek was back at school on Sunday so that night Amanda and I went into Boston to chill at Mike's for the night, smoke blunts, eat food, play video games.. typical night nothing too special. Except I almost killed us all pulling out of a parking space onto Brighton, completely didn't look and went into the second lane.. where there was already a car. It was so fucking stupid I felt like such a dumbass, I didn't even look =/ Watched The Big Lebowski back at Derek's dorm and then got REALLY lost on the way home. Getting there is mad easy because it's just one road, the name changes but it always ends in "way" so it's easy.. but for some reason getting home the rotaries aren't well marked at all, there are signs for route 1 but they're pretty vague and then they just stop.. we ended up on Blue Hill Ave (great movie) for a little while, drove in circles, back to the same rotary.. finally made it to route 1 I'm not even sure how..
Slept mad late today I feel so lazy when I do that but there's nothing to get up for. Tarryn and her roommate Kat showed up at my house around 7 and kidnapped me =) I hardly ever see Tarryn anymore, didn't see her at all over winter break because I'm always doing shit by the time we talk, and probably because I never call her (or anyone) back when I say I'm going to.. but she still rocks, and we drove around and did nothing but it was cool, talked about shit. Then I went out with Sarah and two guys she knows to play some pool. I suck so much at pool! Unless its a really easy shot.. I managed to get a few in a row in that way though and we won every time mostly because they kept scratching on the 8 ball =P Sarah and I smoked a bowl and chilled at my house til she left around 2.. and I am trying to get to bed pretty soon so I can get up at a normal/reasonable time tomorrow.
Hope everyone's vacation is going well =)
Love.
Carolyn
current mood:  mischievous
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| Friday, March 4th, 2005
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2:42 pm
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I got into Suffolk!
So it's gonna come down to how many FSC credits will transfer to each school.
I don't want to be in college for another 4 years if possible.
I applied as a psych major but now I'm thinking journalism.
Weird how out of high school I really wanted to go to Suffolk as a journalism major. Actually I wanted to go to Emerson but ... I don't know why I didn't apply there. I'm probably not smart enough. Definitely not now with my 2.0 college GPA.
I think I posted this already but I really like this poem.
Sitting in that empty room
wondering what we would become
a bottle of JD to ease our minds
talking of things that don't matter
and nothing that does
Lying on the roof of your car
we knew we saw everything
you saw right through me
And we'd catch ourselves at 4am
walking the yellow line
and I couldn't let go, couldn't let go
Because I saw everything
current mood: cheerful
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| Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
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2:11 pm - Run-Ins with Campus Police: Part II - "Troublemakers"
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Campus police is after me again. They dropped the shit about the fire alarm, but a few weeks ago someone put paint and white shit all over one of the elevators. Derek got questioned first because Chris wrote "paint" on his whiteboard, being drunk...apparently this is enough of a 'lead' for them to search his room, take him out of class, and harass all his friends. So they came to my room 2 weeks after it happened and I went to the station (I hate calling it that...they're barely real cops) to talk to them. They had me sign one thing with Miranda rights on it and another saying they could tape record it. They just asked me like what I was doing that night, made me give them names of people I was hanging out with. I was pretty unsure about everything I was telling them because I really didn't remember, but I just gave them names of people that I would usually be hanging out with.
So like two hours later they came back to Towers, Derek warned me that they were looking for me so I got down to the lobby before they came to my room. Go back to the station, sign the same shit about having the right to remain silent, etc. Then the cop tells me "I think you did it, or you know who did it." What the fuck. He said that the 'story' I gave him earlier wasn't true (I had said that I saw Derek that night and apparently Derek had been out at the movies), and also that the cell phone number I gave him was disconnected. So I tried to explain that I really didn't remember the night because all of our nights are pretty much the same--chill in Chris' room, go out for cigarettes, watch Conan, whatever. And the number I gave him definitely was the right number. I told him that I just mentioned people I'm usually with, that I probably was with a bunch of different people over the night.
He goes on to tell me that I'm a suspect because my "name keeps popping up." I don't know what kind of evidence that is, and I don't know who kept mentioning my name. He said that me and my friends are known as troublemakers on campus, that the RAs say they see us all around the hallways all the time, and that things that happen seem to somehow often come back to me. All I can think of are the fire alarm thing and this...he asked me about vandalism with paint in January that I didn't even know had happened. I was protesting the fact that my name keeps coming up, it's not like there's anything I can do about that, and he says "Why don't you tell me why your name keeps coming up?"... I don't fucking know! Because I got in trouble last year, because I don't hide my dislike for certain people or the administration, because my friends like to have fun on campus.. apparently we all have a bad reputation. The fucked up thing is that none of us have done anything this year.
So basically they don't have any evidence that would hold up anywhere except at Framingham State, all of their leads consist of the fact that my friends and I have a bad reputation (for pretty much no reason).. and I was getting targeted because apparently it's common knowledge around campus that I am just a bad kid. Then they suspected me even more because I hesitantly told them about my night thinking that it would be a better idea than just not saying anything, and a few things weren't true. It's just so fucking frustrating that this school seems to want to make everything incredibly difficult for me. So I came back to the dorms and cried and my friends were great and Amanda got really pissed because she gets pissed at all the exact right moments =D I just don't understand why they're targeting me, I didn't do shit, they have no evidence at ALL, and I shouldn't have to fucking deal with this. I don't even know what to do anymore. This was definitely my first experience with being singled out for not following the crowd, and it fucking sucks.
I called my parents right after all this happened when I was still crying and shit and attempted to explain it to them the best I could. They seemed pretty sympathetic and maybe even mad.. my mom called campus police, not really sure why because she didn't really need to at all. So I talked to them after she had called and talked to someone, and the basic idea that I got from the beginning of the conversation was "Well we do feel bad that you're being singled out for this, but it's your own fault for having a bad reputation at the school." They actually said to me "If you would just follow the rules and fit in more, you wouldn't have this problem." I haven't done (been caught for) anything against the rules since last fucking year! And that was just drinking on campus. They basically told me if I would just conform and not stand out, the school would leave me alone. I already figured that out on my own, but it didn't seem like something I could do.. that would be completely changing myself. So the fact that my parents suggested it was a little.. well it seemed ridiculous that anyone would tell me to just conform to get out of trouble. Fuck that.
They went on to lecture me about responsibility like they always do. I tried to explain my own definition of responsibility which went something like "To me responsibility means responsibility to myself. If I want money, I'll get a job. If I want a good job when I graduate, I'll do well in school." It doesn't mean responsibility to society or anything else. It means doing what I think is right, fighting what I think is wrong, and thinking about what I want. It doesn't mean following the rules, especially when it comes to consensual crimes. I think that my parents definition of responsibility is exactly that--I realize that they only want me to follow the rules so that I can be successful.. but that is not my definition of successful. We really can never understand each other, and I told them that too. Despite the fact that my parents grew up in the 70s in Braintree, I really think that they didn't experience any of the things in life that I have so far. My mom told me she has been drunk once in her life, and I believe it. They both seem to be law-abiding and productive members of society who vote Republican and believe in the Law with a capital L. I have no idea how they produced me.
They also told me (and have told me repeatedly in the past) that my friends are bad influences on me. They are definitely not. Yes, maybe if I had become friends with a different group of people, I wouldn't drink on campus, and I wouldn't smoke weed, and I would go to bed at 10pm and exercise at the gym every day. But you become friends with people because you have things in common. I really feel like I almost had to become friends with the people I am friends with now, because we fit together so well. They are not a bad influence on me.. we all influence each other because that's what friends do, but it's not the end-all of my decision-making. Friends are similar. It just happens--that's why we're friends.
And I'm done.
Love.
Carolyn.
current mood: calm
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| Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
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3:34 pm
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I just left class an hour early because I couldn't stay awake. I haven't been able to sleep at night, or even really during the day when I try to take naps. When I finally do fall asleep, it's a million times harder to get up because I usually don't sleep til 4 or 5am. I just lay there and think, and I never come to any conclusions. The same questions repeat, the answers aren't there, and I end up unhappy with no fucking idea why. The nagging depression is getting really old. Something is wrong, and I don't know what, and I can't fix it.
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| Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
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9:50 pm - Wandering Star by Portishead
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Please could you stay awhile to share my grief
For its such a lovely day
To have to always feel this way
And the time that I will suffer less
Is when I never have to wake
Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever
Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever
Those who have seen the needles eye, now tread
Like a husk, from which all that was, now has fled
And the masks, that the monsters wear
To feed, upon their prey
Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever
Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever
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| Thursday, February 10th, 2005
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4:34 pm
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Well I just wrote a rant about rules, but I didn't do a very good job, so it's gone. I hate rules. But they're necessary. I guess I just hate the "If we start making exceptions for one person we'll have to do it for everyone" and then the rule will be gone! Human beings have reason for a reason. Yes, this is because of Framingham. The registrar told me to go to the dean about my issue with classes. Typical, you get shuffled from person to person or department to department and no one seems to be able to do anything. So I made a meeting for Monday morning. I don't have much hope for any exceptions. The mantra at Framingham from the RAs on up seems to be "Rules are rules!"
Punishments are meant to prevent wrong actions. Everyone agrees. Secondarily, punishments are meant to teach responsibility for a wrong action. This is going to lead to a long, inarticulate rant about consensual crimes that I don't feel like writing. Basically I really hope that 'becoming an adult' isn't to start believing that Responsibility = Following All the Rules. There are such things as victimless crimes, when people aren't fucking stupid.
My industrial is healing. Today sucked and made me really pissed about life. Thursdays are long days anyway since I have class straight 10.30 - 4.30, and I just kept hearing people say stupid, annoying shit. It'd be way too easy to hate EVERYTHING. Well, almost everything at least. Also I've been thinking. It comes and goes every few weeks. I can see how not being able to stop thinking about shit (and I mean meaningful shit, all the time) would make a really pissed off person. This world is shitty. There are beautiful things, and I enjoy them. But looking at a bigger picture... the world doesn't like you. And it's not going to be 'fair'. I attempted to form a complete thought on this in class today, and how it affects happiness. My questions were these: Is there only 1 happiness? Can there be, say, personal, inner happiness and a separate sort of happiness with life/the world in general? Or is there one ultimate happiness?
I can't really believe that there is ONE ultimate happiness, because I feel like I am happy, personally, but that happiness with the world in general is literally impossible. It's just such a fucked up place. Would I be more happy if I tried to change it? I don't know. And personal happiness depends on so many other things too.. but I would say all of them are things we control. Make your goddamn self happy =P Enough about that.
I hate to think that there are people, and probably a LOT of people, who are really, truly, shallow people. But I guess what you consider shallow is relative.. I'd say a shallow person is someone who just doesn't think about their actions or their lives, who is never introspective, who doesn't try to become a better person, and who doesn't care about much beyond their personal lives. Ok pretty long definition. People who just.. I don't know. Don't think basically. I like to think that everyone cares about something beyond material things, beyond their social circle, maybe even something spiritual, or philosophic. But a lot of people just don't.Can't even comprehend those things. The material world is it for them. That sucks. And I'm scared.
Just me being pretentious and knowing that what matters to me is what should matter to everyone =D
But seriously.. apathy and ignorance are KILLING this world. Not that I know what to do about it.
Fuck these manic thinking moods! They don't lead to solutions, ever. All I get is more sure of what I believe in. I bet it was the early-morning drunken talks with Chris and Amanda that started this one..
<3lem Carolyn
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| Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
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9:06 pm - Time flies when you're having rum.
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The rest of vacation kicked ass, had some people over when my parents went away. They knew about it, and they even pinpointed the exact room we were smoking in (gravity bong in the upstairs bathroom), but they didn't do anything. All they do now is get kind of mad and keep telling me not to have people over. Sheree wrote this: My friends and I planned a birthday party for two guys in our group, who were just turning 19 (Kendall and Matt!) I bought cake mix but no frosting. To make up for lost flavor we added chocolate chips and Matt added beer. Yummy yummy. Good friends, good food, good pot, and good beer. Who doesn't like that?
Sheree and Paul have been up to visit a couple of times, and Justine once. I still have no room mate, which is fucking great, I have so much more space for all my unnecessary crap, and I never have to ask anyone to leave for any reason. But I miss Sheree pacing aimlessly looking for nothing, or growing tiny pot plants in our window. I don't miss her snoring =P As long as they keep up this once-a-week visiting thing, it'll be good--we miss you guys. Come for Steveos every Friday, we demand it.
The semester picked up pretty much right where it left off, other than that. Issues at Steveos with cocaine and knives and stealing...but it should be all set now. I was thinking the other day at how surprised everyone's parents would probably be if they knew what we really deal with daily or every once in a while. We all know that they're paranoid about drugs and rapists and being mugged... but I doubt that any parents' imagination goes so far as to think of some of the shit that happens. And they worry about the wrong things--things that we do everything we can to prevent, and that for the most part don't happen very often.
I am listening to Everclear. This is a good CD (So Much for the Afterglow), even though they started sucking musically and always sucked personally =P Best song I think is Amphetamine. She came out west to find the sun / She lost her name but found a new one / Amy goes to school all day / But at night in the neighborhood they call her Amphetamine. Anyway...I like the whole CD. Some of the lyrics are a little awkward but overall its pretty sweet.
I've been considering going to the gym or something every once in a while. When I did it before I lost weight (shut up I know I'm not fat) and it gives you energy. The reason I don't do it is because I have class all day and after that I am just too lazy. I'm not sure if the benefit would be worth it. Maybe if I went late at night, like right now, when there is nothing to do because everyone else left me here to go to Newton. Times like that. But shit, all I know how to do is run and I suck at it...fucking smoking cigarettes. Maybe I'll just do a lot of speed--same effects, right?
Finished my transfer applications, ended up with UMass Amherst, Suffolk University, and Northeastern University. I have no idea where I should go. I'm stuck with paying off my loans after college is over, so I've been trying to go to a cheap school--UMass Amherst is the only other state school I would want to go to. Where I really want to go is to Suffolk, which is twice as expensive as UMass. I don't want a lot of pressure to pay off huge loans when I get out of college. It also depends on transfer credits--I have a feeling I will be able to transfer a lot more courses to UMass Amherst than to Suffolk. But I really want to go to Suffolk and have since I got in there after high school. Shitty decisions that will probably end in me doing the most logical thing rather than what I really want.
Everyone who ditched me needs to hurry the fuck up and get back so we can smoke a blunt and forget everything. Haha "Throw EVERYTHING away".. great times 2 Fridays ago which might be posted under a friends-only entry. Still paranoid, it's possible my parents have read/will read this.
I look forward to the weekend like it'll save me from drowning.
<3Carolyn
current mood:  thoughtful
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| Saturday, January 8th, 2005
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3:59 am
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Pretty uneventful vacation so far. Got an industrial in my left ear, that was sweet, it hurt a lot more than my eyebrow. Still does kind of hurt. Bled quite a bit too. Definitely want to do the other ear when this one is healed =D Went to OPM while we were in Providence, they have fucking sick pipes and shit, they're sooo nice. And they have Roors, which rock, but I'd rather get a pretty bong =)
I hope I don't forget who I was when I grow up.
Hope things are going well for everyone's vacation...though I know they're not for some. Still don't have my individual grades but my GPA ended up being 2.08... that's a .08 increase! Christ I suck at school =/ If I don't get into UMass that will just be sad.
Definitely shouldn't have procrastinated calling work, because I'm not gonna go, and I always call in and shit. I almost feel bad, but I think it's mostly not wanting to lose my (very small) income. Should go to bed pretty soon though I just woke up like 13 hours ago--going to Derek's dad's birthday thing tomorrow, so I have to get up before noon. Ugh. =P
Love.
<3lem ~Carolyn
current mood:  high
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| Saturday, December 25th, 2004
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3:21 pm
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i'm at my uncle's house in plymouth, connected to his unsecure wireless network =) family bores me. there are a bunch of people here i don't know. i guess it'd be weirder if i did have things in common with my family.
don't really have anything to say. just bored. last night was awesome. derek got me a sick one hitter that's gonna turn cool colors, and has a huge bowl pack. <3. yeah just a really good night. happy with how everything is right now =D
already missing the fsc crew. looking forward to the 29th/new year's... and hopefully that hotel thing will happen so we'll get to see kendall and matt and paul and justine too =)
maybe i'll go socialize?
<3lem
Carolyn
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| Friday, December 24th, 2004
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3:27 pm - A Sound Like Acid by Wendy Lyn Burk
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I imagine her going mad in various ways:
when she eats three ice cream bars
I imagine she'll want to eat six, then eight, then ten,
the freezer door open all this time,
and her gradual agonized fatness, her slavering.
When she takes a children's video up to her room
I imagine her watching it over and over,
learning the songs by memory, nose to the screen,
and eventually howling and shitting her pants
when I come and tell her to turn off the set.
When I hear her uncertain laughter in the kitchen
I imagine she's hugging her arms around her chest
and trying to give herself counsel in a tender voice,
her words growing gradually sweeter and clearer:
you want to be dead, you want to be dead.
And I always imagine myself
bursting in through the door to save her, or sobbing.
Walking upstairs to discover her spinning slowly from the overhead light,
first cutting her down while cradling her neck in my hand,
then draping her body over my back.
Some days she's leaning against the kitchen counter,
wrists slit open with the meat knife,
or she's on the floor with the blade twisted into her belly,
which I have imagined repeatedly how to reshape
without wrenching her organs, grazing her heartbeat.
Or else when I get to the kitchen she's hugging the oven,
down on her knees as if praying again,
and I have to drag her away from the gas,
turn the knob to off, crack open the downstairs windows,
tilt back her chin and start giving her mouth to mouth.
And I'm pressing my mouth to her mouth so hard
and trying to breathe so that she'll start breathing,
but when I draw back to inhale, I find there's no way
to tear her rubbery lips from my lips.
This is the only conclusion: our mouths glued to each other,
our throats one tunnel, until she's screaming into my mouth
as I scream into her mouth, a sound like acid.
Each throat hoarse, outrageous with bleeding,
each mouth in horror forcing the other
to take by force what it needs to survive.
Love that poem.
<3lem
Carolyn
current mood: chillin
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| Thursday, December 23rd, 2004
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9:36 pm
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home is mostly depressing. i have no form of transportation. when i do it's my mom's car which i can only take like three miles from my house. i have like three friends around here. but that's my own fault because i'm an elitist about who i hang out with... =D and there's never anything to do. i thought that maybe it was just me, maybe i just wasn't creative enough or something... but no. there really is NOTHING going on, for me or anyone else. i swear to god people's parents in mansfield are unlike anywhere else--they are strict and annoying. fun is definitely not easy to have around here. especially when it's cold and raining and december. at least in summer you can get outside with a few friends and a bottle of something.
i hope i never raise kids in a town like this one.
but still...i try to enjoy it the most i can. there are good things--burning incense in my room; a really comfortable bed; tons of time to be bored with derek, sarah, tarryn, niemann, and other random cool people; good food all the time; and i'll never get kicked out! =D
<3 lem
~Carolyn
current mood: bored, what else?
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